Today is November 7th, 2022 and it is the first night of the full moon. Tomorrow is the blood moon, which is something I cannot wait to experience since I have been in full spiritual mode when it comes to the moon.

I never realize how much I have limited myself and my capacity until last night. Yesterday, I decided to have a Me-Day, where I would just focus on meditation and expressing myself spiritually. Yesterday, I had randomly decided to pull out some paint and do my own paint and sip session. And I can truly say in my heart that I loved every moment of it. I played 90s RnB songs and jammed out in my head while painting a picture that I sketched from eye while looking at a design template on the computer. 

In the past, I have felt so disconnected from my body, heart, and soul. I have withdrawn myself from the closest people around me out of frustration, anxiety, depression, etc. I was battling a lot internally: spiritually and emotionally.I was facing a lot of financial troubles that I have never honestly ever experienced before and it was making me go down a dark path.  I was at a breaking point with myself. 

I’ve been single for a little over a year now. My divorce was technically finalized back in June of 2021. It seems like it was a lifetime ago…..

I don’t think I want to date anymore. At least not for now. I don’t know who truly cares for me anymore. And rather than haunt myself with these thoughts, I would rather just keep to myself. Dating is hard. Things start off great, yes. But the minute that someone starts to fall back, it changes everything. The minute that someone's energy shifts, it changes everything. And it leads to a downfall of catastrophe which is orchestrated by doubt, insecurities, mixed signals, etc. You get my picture. The minute that feelings are no longer mutual, it goes one or two ways. With communication, you can discuss it and either decide to continue something or to let things rest as they are. Without communication, it leads to no closure, wanting to know answers but never getting them, which leads to endless thoughts of what went wrong, where did it go wrong, what was it about me that you no longer became interested in…..you get my picture. 

The only thing that I truly desire in my life is a Peace of Mind. Whatever that means. However it comes. When I pray, I try not to ask for much.  I don’t want to be greedy. I don’t want to be too specific because I know that when we make plans and visions for our lives, he laughs at us.

Coming into your worth also means developing a LOT of patience. You have to be patient when it comes to who you allow into your gravitational pull. You have to be careful of who you allow to consume your energy. You have to realize if you’re entertaining somebody out of boredom or loneliness or if that person is TRULY worthy of your time. 

At the age of 28, I find that there are times where I feel that I am on top of the world, and there are times where I am an infant, and I know nothing of this world. The running joke about life is that we know everything and nothing at all, in the same instance of time. The truth is, we only know what we allow ourselves to know and perceive. But the ultimate truth of the matter is we are blind to this world because we only allow ourselves to perceive what we want to perceive, what we are most comfortable with. The unknown is fearsome. Things that shake or “threaten” what we perceive is intimidating.

So we just had a full moon over the night of October 9th, and let me tell you that this full moon energy was very different for me… Usually, I have a hard time during the approach, rise, and fade of the full moon. Normally, I am unable to sleep, I feel restless at night but sleep heavily during the day. Honestly, in the past, full moons have always been the worst for me. 

Last night I came to a realization. When I did my nightly prayer, stretching, and meditation, I realized that I had felt different. My spirit felt different. My body felt different. I had come to the realization that this was the first time in a long time where my heart felt empty. But this emptiness was not a bad thing. I guess “empty” is not the best word for it…

For the past month, I had come to realize that I needed to focus on honing back in on my spirituality. As a result, I have been walking on nature trails several times a week. I have been focusing more on my daily prayer, meditation, and stretches, and have allowed it to become more of routine action versus on an “as needed” occasion. I can say that it has been helping me alot. 

I don’t have any interest in being hurt by a single person any more. Not by men, not by friends, not by family. No one. I do not have neither time nor energy in investing in those who do not invest in me. I’m so tired of dealing with false energy and those who are not able to speak their true intentions. I honestly would rather be left alone. Completely alone. 

 I am NOT a sex addict… but I do LOVE sex… 

If you asked this question a few years ago, my response to this question would have been very casual and nonchalant. "Sex is just sex." Before, I saw sex as more of a casual interaction between people. Yes, feelings can get involved. But they didn't have to. I felt like people equated sex and feelings together because that's all we've ever been told. For me, it was different. I've had legit "fuck buddies" who I purely entertained with for reasons of only sex. Outside of that, we were nothing more than friends. Outside of that, there was no emotional involvement between us. I even had people who I had to cut off because it was the guys who ended up catching feelings and wanted more. And it was never the case for me. 

Many People, so many people, live in fear. I quite simply refuse to be one of those people. So many people are scared to chase their dreams and act on their truest desires. Hell, so many people are even afraid to speak their own truth.  

Today something wonderful happened. Today, I got the most random phone call from my dad. Our relationship is someone estranged because he was there as much as he could have been in my childhood. I was almost hesitant to pick up the phone. If you know me, you know I don’t have tension or awkwardness. And I don’t like meaningless conversations. I don’t like it when people speak aimlessly to me. And I initially thought that the phone call would consist of me being fake friendly, him telling me he misses me and loves me, and those words having no effect on me. 

God knew what she was doing when she gave me a son. He is the first male that I know that loves me unconditionally and I will always love and cherish him for this gift that he has given me. 

I saw a facebook reel of Orlando Brown one day and he was quoting another person (I think it was Denzel Washington, but I can’t remember honestly) who said that, “You are who you really are when you are by yourself”. Orlando Brown is a crazy mf who says some of the wildest shit. But in that reel, he was definitely speaking on something that was worth hearing out. 

I believe that we never know a person until we know what brings them pain. Until we know what makes them sad. It is so easy for us to pretend to be happy. People are “happy” with smiles while suffering on the inside everyday. People pretend to be happy in their relationships all the time but internally they are miserable or they cheat as soon as their partner turns their back away from them. I know this because I have been one of those people before, who pretend to be happy. Yes, happiness can be a pure emotion. But it is not a pure emotion all the time. Most of the time if you ask me. 

Tony,