If You're Hurt, Heal

I don’t think I want to date anymore. At least not for now. I don’t know who truly cares for me anymore. And rather than haunt myself with these thoughts, I would rather just keep to myself. Dating is hard. Things start off great, yes. But the minute that someone starts to fall back, it changes everything. The minute that someone's energy shifts, it changes everything. And it leads to a downfall of catastrophe which is orchestrated by doubt, insecurities, mixed signals, etc. You get my picture. The minute that feelings are no longer mutual, it goes one or two ways. With communication, you can discuss it and either decide to continue something or to let things rest as they are. Without communication, it leads to no closure, wanting to know answers but never getting them, which leads to endless thoughts of what went wrong, where did it go wrong, what was it about me that you no longer became interested in…..you get my picture. 

Before, I would spend more time focusing on the latter. I would be in my thoughts so much that it consumes me. I would be lying to myself if I said that this is something I no longer do. It still catches me from time to time. But I am trying my absolute best to not focus on such things anymore. When things don’t work, it’s for a reason. And that is not to say that things won’t work permanently and that things should end. It means that two people are simply just not aligned. You can try to work together to get back in alignment or you can realize that at this point in time you are not able to align and split. And rather than focus on all of the possibilities that could have gone wrong, I am now trying my best to turn that energy on self-love. I want to focus that energy back on myself and not anyone else. 

I am over serial dating. I am over talking to people just because I am bored or lonely, or because I need to “get over” the next person. Actions like that cause you to end up in positions where you are wasting your time and settling for people because you’re trying to “heal” from the hurt that someone caused you. It causes you to magnify the feelings that you want to “heal” from, but you ignore all of the other red flags that they may have because of your tunnel vision. 

Yeah….I’m not interested in that anymore. I would rather just keep to myself, focus on myself. I would rather continue prayer and meditation to heal. I would rather continue to expel my frustrations in my workouts and my stretching. I would rather uplift myself in my dancing and not rely on others to uplift me. I would rather get disconnected from my phone and social media and get back reconnected and grounded on this Earth. I would rather take myself on dates and be at one with nature than to use anyone as a rebound. I would rather continue to work on myself until I find that person who is a provider, a protector, and who is genuine. I don’t even care about love anymore. That is not to say that I don’t want love. I want someone who is genuine. And if they are genuine, I know that love will come with time and when it is right. 

So for now, I just want to continue to pour love into myself. That is all that matters right now.