Breaking Chains

I never realize how much I have limited myself and my capacity until last night. Yesterday, I decided to have a Me-Day, where I would just focus on meditation and expressing myself spiritually. Yesterday, I had randomly decided to pull out some paint and do my own paint and sip session. And I can truly say in my heart that I loved every moment of it. I played 90s RnB songs and jammed out in my head while painting a picture that I sketched from eye while looking at a design template on the computer. 

I had always been a good drawer. But, I always told myself that I just didn’t have the patience to draw. So I stopped. But yesterday, I asked myself, “Why did you stop though? You were actually good at it!”. And this thought right here made me have an entire epiphany about my life. There are so many things that I have been gifted to do or wanted to do, but I have instilled so many roadblocks in my head and it has literally hindered me from exploring myself, in challenging myself. 

One thing I know about myself is that I have ALWAYS loved a challenge. In art class back in high school, I remember she would give the class projects to do like make a coffee cup from clay and stuff and I was NEVER inspired to do things like that at all every single time. Everytime we had to do it I would go to her and ask her if I could do something more difficult instead. I remember asking her instead of doing a simple cup, can I create a ram head instead (my high school mascot was the Rams). And I sure enough did! It was definitely more simpler to do than a cup. 

I remember in my English class we had to do certain individual readings from a selected number of books. But I had to push the boundaries with that too. I didn’t want to read a book that was basic, I wanted to read a Banned book. First off, books are being banned for the utmost ridiculous reasons. And I hate being limited on what I can do. So I told my teacher I was interested in reading a banned book and she helped me petition the school district so that way I could read and do my project writing on one of those books instead. 

I most definitely love a challenge. But somewhere along the line of my life, I started to become afraid of challenges. So I started making the most ridiculous excuses to not pursue certain things. I now realize as I write this post that it is honestly because I am afraid to pursue something and fail at it… or for it to not be good enough. I have never realized until this very moment how much I hate being disappointed in something, and even more, myself. I was just settling for comfort. 

But not any more. I’ve realized that I have held my back so much on the most absurd things. And that’s something I don’t care to do anymore. I am determined. I have a beautiful soul. And I am intelligent. I master and excel at almost everything I put my mind to. And it has ALWAYS been that way. That is why I have accomplished so much already. So what is stopping me from accomplishing more? 

This next season of my life is about to be very special. Because everyone is going to see a side of me that they have yet to see.