I have always been a level-headed, smooth and cool person. And this also applies to relationships. And this has always been my downfall in my relationships. I now understand that the men of my past have often felt like I didn’t care about them, or anything for that matter when it comes to my relationship. And this is not true at all. When I love someone, I love someone fully and whole-heartledly… almost deadly I could say at times.
But my problem is that I don’t show it. One of my homies asked me if I woulda of tried to act like I was going to fight my nigga to keep him from leaving out the door if we were mid-argument. And my initial response was: “Hell nah, I’m too cool and smooth for that. I would have tried to make him stay another way.” Now, this answer wasn’t wrong. My initial response and reaction would be that because I am a very rational person. I don’t believe when should hit men. I don’t think people should put their hands on each other period. But afterwards, I would have thought about what I could have done more to keep him from leaving. Would I have tried to fight him?
As I have gone through plenty of involvements and relationships, I am officially tired of being in them. Partially because I am tired of starting over to get to know someone. And mainly because I am not settling for anyone until I find someone who is worth going through the ups and downs with. My next person will be my last person. And the one thing that I have learned through years of experience and reflection is that rationality does not exist when it comes to love. We love people for reasons and feelings that might be insane to someone else. But to us, it makes perfect sense. And that is all that matters.
Love causes us to do the dumbest things, which in hindsight we might regret once/if we are out of the relationship. But, for those who are able to maintain their relationship through those insane events, it was a moment that might have been dumb, but it was worth it. And you know why? Because they are still together.
As I have matured, I realized that you have to FIGHT for your love. Yes, you may look and feel stupid and embarrassed. But nothing that’s worth it will ever come easy. There will be trials and tribulations that you will have to step out of your comfort zone for if you really want your desired outcome. And that’s okay. It’s better to say you tried everything with your last breath than to not and constantly wonder about the “What ifs”.
When I find that person, best believe I am not letting him go. And that's by whatever means necessary. So my irrational and honest answer to my homie’s question is: “Hell yeah, I would have tried to square up with my nigga. If I was desperate and I felt like I needed to fight for my man’s love and I needed to know if this man still loved me, I would have done whatever I needed to do to keep my man from walking out that door. And if that's what I had to do, then so be it.
Square up nigga.
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