What Are You Looking For?

We all have an idea of what we want in our partner right? 

When we are young, we think of things that are a bit more surface level. We think about things such as what kind of car they drive, what type of job they will have, etc. As we get older, our preferences change…evolve. We stop thinking about the “specifics” and we start to think about the character and personalities that they possess. For example, someone may say, “I want someone who is kind, loving, attentive, and down to earth.” 

We all have standards that we have given ourselves due to our past experience and the standards that we possess ourselves. You have to draw the line somewhere, right? First off, just know that your preference is your preference. What attracts you may be different from what attracts others, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

For some reason, people get caught up with trying to live based on the standards of others. And that's how people end up in situations where they are completely unhappy, or even worse, abused. For instance, a girl and her friends may all be set on making sure that they obtain a man with a certain financial status. It is literally a run for the money. They have been so blind sided by that fact that they have ignored all of the other signs that this is also a man who is possessive, abusive, and is a constant cheater. Then six years later, they wonder how they could end up in such a horrible situation. Well honey, he’s been manipulative. You just chose not to see that side of him because you were so focused on what the exterior of your relationship reflects and not what you actually possess. 

That’s why it is important to get to know a person fully. It’s important to take your time to get to know all sides of a person. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. A person’s true character is always revealed with time. Not only that. It is also important to make sure that the person’s character and actions align with what you truly need from a person. The key word there is truly. Have you ever asked yourself that? What is it that you truly need from a person? These are the traits and desires that don’t falter, the characteristics that you desire that don’t change no matter how much you grow and evolve. 

These past few years of my life have allowed me to think about that a lot. For starters, I have been running a marathon of horrible relationships/situationships. I was in the most depressing and suppressing marriage. I got involved with an ex who broke my heart, mind, and soul (for the second time, I might add). I got involved with another ex-like person who lied about his intentions with me and had an entire situation that he was already involved in. Sounds like I need to leave my exes alone right? Well, I tried that, and it resulted in me getting to know an individual who lied for months about the type of person he was and it resulted in him threatening my life and robbing me blind for money. LMAO. It’s not funny, at all. I’m the only person who gets to laugh at that, okay?.... I just think about the bullshit that I have gone through recently in my life and it has been just MIND-BLOWING.

The one thing that I can say is that they have all taught me important lessons in life that I will always carry with me from here on out. My failed marriage taught me that “you like what you like.” It also taught me that I am who I am and to always stand on my principles. I lost my voice and my mind in marriage and it was all because I was trying to hold myself to the expectations of modern society and to what others around think I should act and behave. My ex taught me that a person will never change. It doesn’t matter how much you love them or how much they love you. He taught me that just because you love someone does not mean they need to be together. My ex-like dude taught me not to ignore the red flags. He especially taught me to trust my intuition. They all have, really.. As I have grown in my spirituality, I’ve learned that my intuition is a muthafucka. I now know how to decipher between my insecurities and my intuition yelling at me very easily now. So, if I have questions, it’s for a reason. My dreams speak to me as well. I have learned how to read people’s body language when I ask a question. I have also learned how to read that 0.2 sec shift in a person’s body language, tone, and energy when they are being asked a question. The corny ass robbery dude taught me that you truly don’t know anyone. A person will conceal their true nature if they have to if it helps their means. It taught me to take EXTRA time to get to know a person, only so that I can STUDY and learn a person’s true character. People will tell you anything. He taught me that my safety is the ultimate priority. He taught me that there are evil people in this world with bad intentions and that I will never put myself in that type of situation ever again. 

The things that I have been through more recently has allowed me to take more time to think about what I truly want from a partner. Like I said, not the things that can fluctuate. Not the preferences that may change as I mature and evolve. It’s the things that I will always want from my partner, no matter the time, distance, or situations that can occur. The characteristics that I am about to list below are all qualities that none of these people possessed. And if I would have trusted my instincts and took some time to learn their true character, I would have seen that. But everything happens for a reason right? 

1- Strength

Strength and power can be used interchangeably, right? No. Please note that there is a difference between power and strength.Yes, you need strength for power. But, Power consumes. Power can lead to greed and selfishness. Power can lead to dictatorship. People become abusive because they want power… control. People often cheat because of power. They like the feeling of women (or men) at their disposal, so they consume as many people as they can. This is power. Strength is something that is completely different. Strength is defined as “the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure.” Strength is teamwork. Strength is working together to maintain balance and overcome obstacles. Strength is strategic. There are times when you may need to adjust the dynamic of your relationship to maintain the love and happiness that is required in your partnership. Strength is recognizing when you’re unhappy in your relationship and having the courage to let your partner know, and working together to adjust your relationship so that both people are happy. Strength is selflessness. 

I am a woman who has done everything on her own, for her entire life. I want a partner who possesses strength so that I can finally breathe and let down my shield for once in my life. I want someone who will hold my shield with me when it gets too heavy to lift on my own. I want a person who embodies strength so that I can finally have moments where I can lean on them. Quite frankly, I’m tired of being strong 100% of the time. 

2- Thoughtfulness

I am the most thoughtful person that I know. I now realize that I require and will never settle for a person who is not thoughtful as well. I am a person of principle. Based on what I’ve experienced in my life thus far, I vow to never deal with a person who is selfish ever again. We all have selfish moments, yes. We all have moments where we may need to be selfish for our own peace of mind (and yes, I say PEACE of mind- that is not by mistake). But when selfishness is embedded in a person’s character, they will always look out to protect themselves. They don’t care who they hurt. They don’t think about how their lies and actions will make a person feel in return. And my number one principle is that I will rather hurt someone with the truth than spare them with a lie. For one, the truth always reveals itself. So why lie? When you lie, it not only deceives people, but it also takes away a person’s choice. And why would you even want that? Why would you be with someone who is only with you based off of a lie? An altered reality. You don’t even know how they truly feel about you at this point. You are in a situation that is no longer genuine. And ingenuity feeds insecurity, doubt, etc. So this is something that I now stand on. Thoughtfulness is required. 

3- Communication/Courage

Communication is very important. And it is not just communication itself, it’s also how you communicate. When I love and am with someone, I see them and only them. I only have one goal when I am in a partnership- to bring peace to my partner. I am not an insecure person at all. I am not needy (well somewhat, but I like to think in the good way, lol). I don’t like to argue. And I will always move in a way that brings forth positivity and love to my partner. With that being said, I like to communicate, whether it's good or bad. As I said, I would rather hurt someone with the truth than spare them with a lie. So if that means I have to have difficult conversations, that’s okay with me. As I said, I would rather lay everything out on the table with someone and allow for them to choose if it is something that they want to continue or maintain. I don’t want false love. I only desire genuine love and energy. Thus, I need my partner to do the same for me as well. 

I don’t care how much it hurts me. Tell me the truth. I know the feeling of being the only person in the room who doesn’t know something. It does not feel good. And I would never do this to another person. Especially my partner, my best friend. If it is something that is bad, yes, I might be upset initially. I might need time to process my anger and emotions. But I can get over that because I will respect that you had the courage to tell me the truth, rather than hiding behind lies and falsities. As people say, “Me losing respect for you is way worse than me being mad at you.” We are all humans, we make mistakes. But having the courage to admit your mistakes to others is bravery. It’s strength. It’s thoughtfulness.

So, those are just three things that I now require in my partner. I’m sure that if I take some more time, I can come up with a few more. I might just even make a part two of this post. Feel free to let me know what you want from your partner. Shine some insight on me as well.