Tony

Tony, 

I’ve always wanted your undivided attention. I’ve always wanted your love. More than anyone’s love in this world. I used to feel guilty for wanting your love because I had my mom’s. So I tried my best to act like her love was enough. She wasn’t a perfect mom, but no one is. But she worked hard everyday to provide for me. So as a child, I used to feel like wanting your love was an act of betrayal to my mom. So I suppressed a lot when it came to you. In some ways I still do. 

Now that I am a parent myself, I realize how important it is to have the love of both of your parents. And that’s because both parents are supposed to teach you different things. Some things you’re simply supposed to learn from one parent, and some things are for the other. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. For instance, a mother is supposed to teach a son how to respect a woman. A father is supposed to teach their daughters how to value themselves and their worth. This is not the only thing that they are supposed to do, of course, but it is one of the more important life lessons that a parent should teach their child. Of course a mother can teach a daughter about their worth. But it’s not the same. 

A father teaches his daughter what and what not to tolerate. There are a lot of women who deal with and tolerate a lot of men who are undeserving of them because they never had their fathers teach them that they were worthy of so much more. I was one of those females. 

My entire life, I’ve felt like I’ve had to constantly have to prove to men that I was worth loving. Shit, most of the time I have to prove that I’m worth loving to myself.  I have these mantras that I say to myself when I pray and meditate, and one of the phrases that I say repeatedly is, “I am worthy of love.” For some reason, this was the hardest phrase to form out of my mouth. I had the hardest time saying it. I would break down into tears and everything in my attempts to say it. I knew deep down inside it was because I was trying to tell myself something that I didn’t believe for myself. 

Since I was a child, I had always believed that I wasn’t meant to be loved by a man. Not truly loved by one anyone, anyways. And because of this, I have overcompensated in things such as my independence, my intelligence, my pride, etc. All to hide the fact that I didn’t feel loved and I was never worthy of it. Yes, I’ve had boyfriends. I’ve even had men tell me that they love me. But those same men who were telling me that they loved me were also the same ones who had hurt me. Devastatingly, I might add. I realize now that they never loved me. Or maybe they did. I don’t know. But what I do know is that they didn’t love me in a way that I needed to be loved. And that’s all that mattered really. 

I tolerated so much, all because I would tell myself, “Aura, you’re lucky that someone loves you. Just get over it”.... To myself, I would always say, “If your own father doesn’t even love you, how can you expect another man to?”. SMH. This thought has allowed me to suffer so much when it comes to love. To the point where sometimes I tell myself that I don’t wanna love anymore. I’m terrified of it. I don’t want to be vulnerable to anyone anymore. I don’t want to trust anyone anymore. I’m tired of giving my all to someone only to get hurt in the end. I’m tired of being collateral damage to others…

I don’t blame you for anything, though. I know that you’re human and that you’re not perfect. I know that you had your childhood traumas and mishaps. I know that you fight your own demons everyday. I didn’t expect you to be a perfect father. I just wished that you made an effort to break the generational curse. I just wish that you would want to see me and talk to me just as much as I want to talk to you deep down. 

I know it’s a two way street. But it’s so hard for me to be that vulnerable with you. I remember you walking in and out of my life so much as a child. I couldn’t handle that happening to me as an adult, and most importantly to my son. And most importantly, it is difficult being around you or talking when there is such a big elephant in the room. But I try…

I’m a soldier though. One thing I will never allow myself to be is a victim. Not to anything or anyone. I use that unconditional love that I wanted in you as a motivation to be a great parent to my son. He teaches me everyday what unconditional love truly is. As a matter fact, he has been the only male to show me what genuine unconditional love is. And for that I love him sooo much. 

I will always love you Tony. I still hope that one day we can grow closer and that we are able to have a bond that every daughter hopes to have with their father. And if you ever read this, just know that I am not mad at you. Don’t let this letter discourage you. Fight. Fight for my love, fight for my forgiveness.