Today is November 7th, 2022 and it is the first night of the full moon. Tomorrow is the blood moon, which is something I cannot wait to experience since I have been in full spiritual mode when it comes to the moon.
The past few weeks arriving up to this full moon has given me a run for my money. I have been trying to focus on more of my shadow work and it has brought out so much emotions. Some have been good, bad, sad, anger, regret, pain, joy, etc. You name it. I’ve been feeling it at some point in full effect. What I have been experiencing has given me the desire to withdraw from everybody. Because I’m fine, but I’m not okay. And I don’t have any desire for small talk right now. I don’t have any desire to put on a fake smile to others. Like I said, I’m fine. But I’m not okay.
Soooo, let me enlighten you on some of my shadow work I have been dealing with. Some stuff won’t go into full detail. It honestly just depends on if I have the energy to full detail or not. I have been journaling on both my phone using my diary and voice diary. So I may not have the energy to fully explain something just for your benefit. If you read this and find yourself inspired by this, then do your own shadow work. See what it will bring you.
So let’s get started.
Love languages: Quality Time, Acts of Service & Physical touch
I came across this twitter post that said, “The 5 love languages are just code words for:
- Physical touch : whore
- Acts of Service: abandonment issues
- Gift Giving: Sugar mommy/daddy
- Quality time: Constant need for attention
- Words of affirmation: praise kink or a narcissist
Now, when I read this post, I immediately started DYING with laughter. Because although the code words were on a bit of the extreme side, they all actually had some level of truth to them. So my main love languages are quality time and physical touch (for how I like to receive love) and acts of service (for how I like to give love).
No, I am not really a whore. But I enjoy sex a lot. It is one of the best ways that I like to communicate and transfer my love, spirit, and energy to someone. Now this does not mean that I sleep with everybody and their daddy. It just means that when I do get involved with someone, I get a strong craving for sex. I desire it so much because of the level of energy I receive and give off. I’ve been told that I am a nympho, which may be true, idk.
Now the problem with this is that if I get too comfortable with sex as my best way of communicating my love and desires, it will become the main or only way I do so, which leaves me with having the hardest time verbally communicating my thoughts and feelings in a positive output. And that is something that I have always had to work on: speaking. Speaking freely, speaking my truth, especially when it comes to men. Not that I lie, I am not a liar, by any means. But when it comes to speaking my truest thoughts and feelings in terms of letting someone in (or as some like to call it the “soft side”), I struggle with it a lot.
I have noticed that recently I have chosen this path again in my current encounters with a specific individual. We will call him Mr. Right. There have been times when I have wanted to and was excited to engage in a particular conversation with him. Just to gain a level of understanding of him and his insight. He may not know it, but I actually admire a lot about him and I like to learn from him. But every time we have gotten together recently, I find myself quietly shy when it comes to verbal talk, but very sexually outgoing in the bedroom.
So I know I have to work on using other means for my level of communication. Not just with him, just in life in general.
Quality time is love language that I pride myself in because I am not a user. I don’t get involved with people because I think about what I can get out of them, at least through material means. If anything, I desire knowledge. I love a man that I can learn from. It is the ultimate turn on for me. What I adore most is quality time. I like dates. And dates don’t necessarily have to mean spending money. I have enjoyed dates at home just as much as I have enjoyed being out and about. Sleep dates are everything to me. I work my ass off everyday. I be tired. Sometimes I just want the person I am involved with to come over and go to sleep with me. Hold me. Embrace me. We don’t even have to really talk. Let me just get some good sleep. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I can’t even remember the last time I slept through the night.
The negative/shadow side to my desires of quality time is that I do feel like I become the person who needs constant attention from my partner. I want someone to tell me “Good morning beautiful/Queen” or “Goodnight baby girl. Sleep well” because I like to know that I am the first and last thing on their mind every day (and I do the same for my partners as well). Whenever I am doing something, I automatically think about if my partner would want to do the same thing or I think about what my partner would enjoy. Sometimes I even create visions in my head of what the experience would be. I desire that quality time from someone and anytime I allow myself to get in my head and I feel like I do not have their attention, I feel like they are slowly but surely pulling away from me. That they are losing interest in me and do not want to be involved with me anymore.
That is definitely something that I have become enlightened about over the past year (not just recently). It’s slightly obsessive and it is NOT okay. And it’s a tad bit narcissistic if you ask me. So maybe words of affirmations are up there for me too, idk. And the even worst part is that I get so caught up in the quality time that I crave only in the beginning. As the relationship develops I start to crave solo time and the need for space. And it confuses the hell out of my partner. It’s a toxic cycle that I have to work on breaking. I have to find the BALANCE.
Now, shadow work is not only about addressing and acknowledging the “ugly”. This level of honesty is also about moving towards healing so that way you can work to come out from your “shadow” and break toxic traits. And the easiest way that I get to the root of things is to ask myself “Why?” for every answer I come up with.
For instance, my other main love language is acts of service. And although the girl jokingly said that it's code language for abandonment issues, for me, there was certainly some level of truth to it. When I ask myself “why” incessantly about why I use act of service to “address” my abandonment issues, it’s because I never had a man in my life consistently (even down to my father). So I think that my acts of service will keep someone in my life so that they see how much I am a benefit to them.
But of course, that doesn’t work. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here in the state I am today, lol. So it’s time to make some changes.
I don’t feel like going any further in depth about things. So those are just some thoughts and shadow work that I have been working on more recently.
In light of all of this darkness, the one thing I have come to realize is that I need to focus more on my self-love. I realize that the only quality time I need to focus on is my own. I have decided to devote more energy into myself, my health, my diet, my career, and my passions in life. Lately, I have been spending less time scrolling on social media and more on myself. I know I need to start focusing less on transferring my sexual energy and more through other means.
I’m transforming. Slowly but surely.
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