YOU Are Nothing to be Ashamed of

I saw a facebook reel of Orlando Brown one day and he was quoting another person (I think it was Denzel Washington, but I can’t remember honestly) who said that, “You are who you really are when you are by yourself”. Orlando Brown is a crazy mf who says some of the wildest shit. But in that reel, he was definitely speaking on something that was worth hearing out. 

We are who we are when we are by ourselves…..

In public, we portray ourselves to be whoever we want to be. We put on different masks and faces everyday for different people. But we can’t run or hide from ourselves. If you’re not happy when you’re by yourself, you’re not happy. It doesn’t matter what you paint to others. If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror when you’re by yourself, you may feel shame. This could be due to your actions, due to your insecurities, due to anything. Everybody has a different story. But there is something to it. When you’re with others, you can portray yourself as the happiest, most social person in the world. But when you’re all alone, if all you feel is loneliness and despair, then that’s who you are. The picture we paint to others and other people’s picture of us truly don’t matter. What only matters is what we feel about ourselves when we are by ourselves in our truest thoughts and feelings….

As I further reflect on myself, I realize that when I look at myself in the mirror when I am by myself, I don’t like to look too long and I don’t like to smile. And by the way, when I say look at yourself in the mirror, I don’t mean look at your hair, makeup, lashes, etc. What I mean by this is to actually look at yourself in the mirror and look into your own eyes, your own soul. As I said, I don’t like to look at myself too long. Part of this is because I know that if I look too long, all of the lies I’ve convinced myself of would come back to haunt me. All of the times I lied to myself saying that I was okay...that I was happy… that I didn’t care. I was rejecting my own emotions. 

I keep a mirror in the room where I pray and meditate so that I can look at myself as I speak my truest thoughts, emotions, and desires. Sometimes it makes me smile. And sometimes, when I look at myself and speak, I break out in tears. I’ve come to realize that the tears are nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a part of healing. It is a part of expression. Crying can be healthy sometimes if it is being released for positive reasons. And healing is ALWAYS a positive emotion. 

I have been taking a lot of time for myself this past month to realize, I am very guilty of lying to myself. Of portraying myself as one way to others and suppressing my truest expressions and emotions not only to others around me, but also to myself as well. 

I have had plenty of people tell me that from their perspective, I am a very chill person. I am easy going, I go with the flow, and I know how to have a good time. I have also had people tell me that I am cold, heartless, and I act like I don’t care about anything or no one. And I am not saying that they are lying. My actions have allowed people to gather that impression of me. So I will not reject these statements. I know that I also intentionally make people think that of me as well, especially the part where people think that I don’t care about anything. That nothing affects me…

The truth is that I very much do. I care for a lot in this world. I even care for people a lot. But I don’t like to. I am often too ashamed to admit such things because I personally feel like it always comes to bite me in the ass and/or that it makes me feel weak. And most importantly, I don’t want to admit that I care about something because I hate when I get disappointed in people. So I hide a lot. Or I reject my emotions because if I don’t allow myself to feel something, I can’t get hurt.

I have been doing a lot of reflection of myself this past month. I’ve been spending a lot of time intentionally being alone to gain a better understanding of myself. Before, I hid the fact that I am a caring person because I was ashamed and I saw it was a weakness. But today, I do not only accept that I am a caring person, I also embrace it. 

There is nothing absolutely wrong with being a person who cares…. About this world, about people, about places and things. Caring is a strength. Caring is what keeps me compassionate towards others. Being a person who cares helps me to better understand people without judgment. Compassion is not a weakness. It is a strength. From this day forward, I not only embrace my care and compassion, I will embrace everything about myself that I have been too scared or too ashamed to admit because I saw it as a weakness. I have been rejecting my truest thoughts and feelings and it has resulted in making myself toss and turn in turmoil. It keeps me up at night. It makes me live one day as one person and the night time as another person. I have been two people living in the same body at once. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be connected with myself entirely. 

I am a person who loves, a person who cares for others, a person who seeks peace, a person who seeks solitude. I am a person who seeks understanding of this world. I am a person who loves to learn. I am a person who also loves challenges. I love music. I love to dance. I love almost all forms of art. I am a person who weeps for this world. Who weeps for the children of this world. I am a person who hates sleeping alone at night, but I desire intentional time and space to be alone as well. I am a person who loves spaghetti and I would eat it every day if I could without getting fat. I am a person that will bend over backwards for the person I love and my family. It does not make me stupid or weak. It makes me loyal.

I used to be so worried about outcomes if I admitted certain things about myself to myself and to others. But, being yourself should never be nothing to be ashamed of. It makes you, YOU. Caring for someone and getting hurt by them does not mean that you’re weak. It does not mean that you are foolish and stupid. It means that you are BRAVE. It means that you have a heart. And at the same time, getting your heart broken or your feelings hurt does not mean that you should not love or care for others. It is a part of life. It is a part of growth. It’s a part of understanding. 

Since I have been working on accepting myself, I can say that I have been sleeping through the nights so much better now. Before, I would awake in the middle of the night and I would allow my thoughts to consume me. It would keep me up for large portions of the night. This is not happening anymore. I am starting to no longer question myself and reject my emotions. And it’s been giving me so much peace. 

I am compassionate. I am brave. I am who I am.