On to the Next? - I Think Not

For the past month, I had come to realize that I needed to focus on honing back in on my spirituality. As a result, I have been walking on nature trails several times a week. I have been focusing more on my daily prayer, meditation, and stretches, and have allowed it to become more of routine action versus on an “as needed” occasion. I can say that it has been helping me alot. 

I haven’t been connected to my phone as much either. My biggest addictions are Facebook and Twitter. Part of my addiction is because I feel like I have so many philosophies to share with the world. But I realize that this is actually a narcissistic mindset. Who cares what YOU think? Who are you to say that others should want to hear what you have to say about this world? Part of my thinking is because of my nature, my Power. I know that I am a Healer. I like to bring healing and light to this world by helping others. I like to do this by telling the world of my own experience, of my own pain, of my own trauma, and my own healing. And in turn, I hope that it helps others to heal. That’s not to say they have to mimic my actions and thoughts. I just hope that it guides them in their own healing and experiences. This has been referred to as the “Wounded Healer” as I have read before. 

Since I have been having a lot of alone time to be in my thoughts and reflect. I realize that I need to get back focused on my shadow work. I had told myself already that after Mr. Paradise, I didn’t want to date anybody new. I just didn’t have the energy or interest for it. Yesterday was only a confirmation of that declaration. 

I had been having a good couple of days. I realize that I love claiming what the day will entail before it begins. It seems to guide my thinking, my words, and my actions when I do so. I don’t try to direct my day. I just focus on what I want the intent of the day to bring. So I now speak positivity over myself and the day everyday.  

Yesterday, I felt the urge to focus on the day as a day of self-love and care. I decided that I would work from home, get cute and have a mini photoshoot (as it was the first day of Fall- and I LOVE fall! Just love it!). I told myself I would treat myself to a pedicure. Go see a movie. And treat myself to something to eat. And to end the day, I would be in nature to further reflect on my thoughts and actions. 

So, that is just what happened. 

Now, there were some unexpected events that took place as well lol. To start, before my pedicure, I decided to go wash my car. While doing so, I had somehow dropped my key fob and left it at the carwash and I didnt realize it until I got all the way to the nail salon to cut my car off. And because my car is push to start, it won’t cut back on unless the key fob is in the car. So while getting my pedicure, I realized it could have only been dropped at the car wash. I was about 15 minutes away and internally I was freaking out initially because I didn’t want to waste money on an uber and I had nobody to call really because everyone was at work. I could have called my grandfather and I said I would do so as a last resort measure. I was thinking in my head so much of how I would resolve this. But then I realized that I actually needed to STOP thinking and focus on enjoying my pedicure. “It was not the end of the world”, I told myself. See, part of my problem in my life is that I worry too much. Worrying causes me to overthink. Overthinking is healthy for no one. It allows me to create stories in my own head and allows me to make false judgements and impulsive decisions. This is something that I am actively working on. So, I stopped thinking. I closed my eyes. And I enjoyed my pedicure. And it was great. 

The next unexpected event of the day was that I allowed a person to take me on a “date” to the movies. This is a person I had known back in high school. We never dated or talked back then or anything, even though he had always liked me and I knew it. But honestly, I was never really into him like that. Every time I post a picture on social media, he always DMs me and tells me to hit him up or to let him take me on a date. I usually always ignore him or pay him no mind. But today, for some reason, I told myself, “let him take you out to the movies. You said you wanted to go anyway before he even came into the picture today. So who’s to say you wasn’t supposed to go on his dime and not yours?”. I told myself that it wasn’t a date, at least for me anyways. This dude was a cool dude overall from what I knew from him in the past. I would just go to be in the moment of enjoying the movie. And if there was some type of spark or connection, then there’s nothing wrong with that either. 

But, as I had already figured, there was no spark. Some chemistries are undeniable for me. I honestly have not talked to that many men in my past, or felt any real interest for them anyways. There is only a select number of men who have actually grasped my attention, who have given me the “spark”. Those are the men that I embrace. That I give my attention to. I am not that “On to the next”- type girl. I don’t like rebounding or just talking to people “just because”. The “date” with this man only confirmed to me that I am not ready to date someone new. Of course you can say that it might of been because my feelings for Mr. Paradise hadn’t diminished. And although I am honest enough to admit that, I realize it was something more as well…

I just realized that I only want to focus on my healing. I only want to continue to reflect on myself and understand myself better. Before, I didn’t know if I told myself that I didn’t want to date because I was just feeling shitty about the Mr. Paradise situation or if it was because I just didn’t have the capacity to start the getting-to-know process all over again with someone new. And although these notions were true, what was even more true was that I actually was liking the new path that I have been setting for myself. I have actually been enjoying my daily prayers, meditation, stretching and working out. I have come to know myself more. Understand myself more. I have grown in being more honest with myself and my emotions. I have grown to not be ashamed of any of my thoughts and emotions. I have been honing in on elevating my throat chakra. And to do so, we have to stop lying to ourselves. We have to stop hiding from ourselves. This is something that I have been working to overcome with strong intent. And in return, it has helped me become more calm, more rational, and more at peace than I felt in a long time. 

So on to the next? I think not. I’m not worried about what is next. While praying, I have learned that this is the chapter of my life for Patience. I am worthy of great things to come. Greater love. Greater abundance. Greater peace. But I can’t force it. Things will come when they are supposed to when I am truly ready. But healing and growth comes first. It is the only way you will appreciate what we truly desire when it is received.