Today something wonderful happened. Today, I got the most random phone call from my dad. Our relationship is someone estranged because he was there as much as he could have been in my childhood. I was almost hesitant to pick up the phone. If you know me, you know I don’t have tension or awkwardness. And I don’t like meaningless conversations. I don’t like it when people speak aimlessly to me. And I initially thought that the phone call would consist of me being fake friendly, him telling me he misses me and loves me, and those words having no effect on me.
But the conversation was truly much more than that. He had asked me how I was doing and I slowly started to speak openly and honestly to him about how my life had been this past year. And it has honestly been hard. I’ve battled so much in this physical world, and I have also been through a lot mentally and emotionally. I opened myself up and told him about all of the battles that I’ve had to endure lately. I can honestly say that me working on my throat chakra has helped me with speaking my truest thoughts and feelings, and that’s to myself AND to others. I don’t care about judgment. I don’t care about what others think of me. It is MY truth. And MY truth is what brings me peace. I am more disrupted in my balance if I try to navigate my words and thoughts based on other’s reflections and impressions of me. But I no longer care about such things anymore.
My dad asked me how my dating life had been and/or if I was in a relationship. I told him that I honestly think I am going to start taking a break from dating. I told him about how dating is hard because I go into every situation with honest intentions. I talked to him about how lately I have been desiring to just have a deep connection with someone and their entirety, how my only goal is to take time and energy to get to know someone and fully understand them. But unfortunately, people don’t have those same intentions. When I’m involved with someone, my only goal is to bring peace into their world. But people are truly not interested in other’s for those same reason. They see others as somebody they can use, manipulate, or gain some type of advantage for themselves. People truly do not care about how their actions affects others. And in the end, it always results in me having my peace disrupted. And one thing that I have now vowed to myself is that I will no longer disrupt my peace for people who view me as a form of simple pleasure for them.
As I talked more and more to my dad about my views on life and my experience, he just kept telling me things like, “You are so smart. Your mindset is unbelievable and inspiring” and things like that. We talked on the phone for over two hours. And let me tell you, me and my dad have never talked more than 15 minutes on the phone, and I can count on one hand how many times me and him have actually talked on the phone.
After we got off the phone, I felt so happy. I had so much joy. And then, all of a sudden I started breaking down crying. But see, these were good tears. I was so happy and thankful to have that conversation with him. The more I cried, the more I realized that he had given me exactly what I had been praying for lately. I had been praying for a connection with someone. I had been desiring to have an open and honest conversation with a male. I had been feeling like I needed to just release some energy off my chest. I had been feeling misunderstood. And I was yearning for a connection with someone. And that’s all I really wanted to happen this weekend. What I didn’t realize is that the person who I was trying to connect with was not the person that I was supposed to have that connection with. I was supposed to spend time with a certain person this weekend and it didn’t happen. I was really looking forward to just one on one time and the time and opportunity to get to know this person further, and for this person to get to know me further. But that opportunity never presented itself, and I NOW realize that he was not the person I was supposed to have that desired connection with at this time. It was supposed to be my father. And it honestly felt good to hear my father tell me such things that I have looked for in the past with other people…
The conversation with my dad helped calmed my spirit so much. And this is why it is important for fathers to be in their daughter’s life. Having that conversation with him helped me fill that void that I was looking for in someone else. And now, I no longer need to have that void filled by someone else. And now, I just think about the times where I have looked for reassurance in men who truly never cared for me, all because it was things that I wanted to hear from my father. I never got that opportunity growing up to be praised or be told that I was worthy from a man. And it has caused so much disappointment in my life over the years.
But now that I have been working on self-love, I hope that these are issues that I never have to battle with as I grow stronger in learning myself.
Today, I received the reassurance that I have been looking for my entire life from a man, and I am so happy.
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