I Don't Ask For Much... No Nothing At All

I am not the type of female to ask a man for anything. But maybe that’s my problem. I don't know. I just don’t have the capacity to do so. It stems from the way that I was raised and my upbringing. At a young age, I learned to never depend on a man for anything. This was from both direct and indirect observation. My mom always did her best to maintain for us on her own. I had witnessed so much with my dad as well, so he was never reliable for me as a parent and as a provider. Thus, I had learned from the very beginning through direct observation that I couldn’t depend on a man. And as I said, there was indirect observation as well. There would be men who would give things to my mom to “help” her or her kids, supposedly. But as soon as they got mad, they would take them right back. Fuck them kids, huh? 

I remember this one time, one of my mom’s boyfriend got her an Expedition truck. Supposedly, it was for us. Dude had his own pickup truck anyways. I remember she had actually sold her own car and we had gotten that truck a little afterwards. I remember being so mad she had gotten rid of her car too. I was only in elementary school at that time, but my awareness when it came to a lot of stuff was very strong, even at that age. I had already known that as soon as they would argue or he would get upset for whatever reason, that it was no longer her car. It was his. And that was exactly what he did. 

I honestly hated how much she depended on a man to provide for us at times. But of course, as a child, you don’t understand a lot. You don’t understand the behind-the-scenes that comes with adulting and being a single parent of multiple kids. As an adult, I now understand how hard she worked and how she did the best she could for us. Shit, I don’t even know if I could have gone through some of the things she went through back then. I know I could if I had to, because I have my mother’s strength. But, I’m blessed and grateful that I have not had to go through what she endured and it makes me love and appreciate her a helluva lot more…

But as I said, as a child, we don’t see that part. And it taught me at a young age to not worry about having to ask a man for anything. I wanted to provide for myself in every way. I made sure I was self-sufficient so that way I wouldn’t have to rely on another man for anything. And I can say I’ve done a pretty good job. I’ve accomplished and maintained so much on my own. 

Now there are both positive and negative aspects to this. For the positives: I am self-sufficient. I don’t need a man for anything. I am resourceful. I don’t get involved with men for means as to what they can do or provide for me. If I get involved with someone, it’s purely because I am curious or attracted to their mind/character. 

Now the negatives are: I don’t know how to ask for help. I would struggle over simply asking for assistance or even the smallest things such as gas money or something to eat. I have allowed myself to become involved with men who could do nothing for me but I would do everything for them. I have not placed value into what I bring to the table in a partnership because I considered self-sufficiency as an inherent goal that we should all seek. But unfortunately, that is not always the case. 

I’m the type where if I see that a person is in need and I am able to give, I would give without them having to ask. My love language for how I give love is Action. If I see a person is in need, I give. You had a long day, let me give you a massage. You hungry? Okay what do you want to eat? You got a goal or vision? Okay, how can I help you get there? You seem lonely. Would you like some company?... I love birthdays as well. Normally, I go all out for my partner’s or the person who I am involved with on their birthday. And it's purely because I like to bring people joy (which is weird because I HATE celebrating my birthday, or any type of celebration that is centered around me. It gives me anxiety for some reason. Well I know why- but that’s another blog post on its own). Like I said, I am not a selfish person at all. I’d give my last to the people I love. The counter effect is that I sometimes get mad when people are not this same way in return to me. 

But as I look back, I realize that having this mindset has brought forth nothing but pain and wasted energy for me. I’ve had people use me because they know that this is my character. I’ve wasted time and money on people who had no honest intentions with me. I have allowed myself to become overextended as a result of it as well. Part of me did it because I was trying to prove to others that I was worth their love, time, and attention.

But as I further reflect, I realize that there is nothing wrong with providing love through action. What I have learned more recently is that you can’t give everyone everything. You can’t give everyone every part of you. Not without at least earning that right to do so. I realize that part of my issue is that I would give too much, too soon. I placed no value in myself, so why should others?

One of my new rules is that I do not spend (lots of) money on anyone’s birthday. Not in the first year of dating someone. The first birthdays are free passes. His and mine. Now, if a man wants to go all out for me, I’m not going to say no, lol. But I’m not giving that expectation at all. You know why? Because I’m not doing the same for them either. In the past, I have spent way too much money on people who were playing me or didn’t really give a damn about me. And I refuse to invest another dollar or energy on someone with false intentions. Now when I am in a committed relationship, that’s a different story. Because at the end of the day, I like to spoil my partner just as much as they spoil me. 

Now, I’m learning to be patient with myself, especially when it comes to what I give to others. I’m learning how not to give all of my heart, body, mind, and money too soon, especially before you are in a committed relationship. I don’t make assumptions that someone is committed to me either. If it is one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that if a man wanted to be committed to you, he would make it very clear. By words and actions. And if they have not made it clear, it's for a reason. Do not (I repeat, do NOT!) ever assume. They simply could just not be ready for a commitment yet, or it could be because they have 101 other hoes that they are entertaining as well. 

With that said, I don’t ask for anything… and I won’t. But I am grateful for anything that is given to me or done for me. In my mind, if someone takes the time and effort themselves to help my life easier without having me to ask, it shows that they genuinely care for me. It shows that they are attentive to me and what I have going on. That’s my love language for how I want to receive love. And it’s not just about money. It’s about action.