My Son

God knew what she was doing when she gave me a son. He is the first male that I know that loves me unconditionally and I will always love and cherish him for this gift that he has given me. 

I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant. It was completely unexpected and I felt that me and my ex were definitely not ready for a baby. But hey, everything happens for a reason right? In the end, I actually think that it was perfect timing because my son helped me realize that I needed to change my life. I was honestly in an unhappy situation and I suffered a lot mentally. But I thought that I was supposed to stay and “adapt” because that is what wives are supposed to do. My son made me realize that there was a greater love. My son helped me realize that I wanted something greater, for both him and myself. 

I had first found out that I was pregnant at only 5 weeks. At first, I wanted a girl. Girls are cute. It’s easier to find clothes for them and I had always imagined putting my girl in activities such as gymnastics, cheerleading, softball, etc. I even had a ton of girl names picked out for when the time did come. I had honestly never thought of boy names. The most I had for boy names were some names that I had picked out from the bible while I was at church and needed a distraction. I had never imagined a future with a son. But I honestly think part of me didn’t want to out of fear.

Once I found out that I was having a boy, the desire for a girl faded away almost instantly. I realized that boys are actually probably the best starter child in comparison to a girl lol. Girls are dramatic and emotional, and I quite frankly don’t have time for attitudes. Boys are simpler and fun. They’re just wild and can be gross at times, lol. But I can deal with the wild. And you can handle gross things with structure and discipline with time. Honestly, I would rather wrestle with my son or play a video game with him than play dress up or tea parties anyways, lol. 

My pregnancy was beautiful, honestly. I was truly blessed to have a good experience with my pregnancy. It was completely stress free for the most part. That is one thing that I do appreciate my ex for. Some men give the mother of their child such hard times during pregnancy, which is an actual delicate time for the woman and the baby. The birth of my child was beautiful and peaceful as well. 

When we came home from the hospital, that’s when things started to change for me. Not on the exterior though, it was completely mental for me. I didn’t suffer from postpartum depression. What I did suffer from was fear and anxiety of losing my son. Me and my son's bond was great from the beginning, and that’s what I feared the most. As I discussed in my previous blog posts, I had always had an underlying feeling about myself that I was not supposed to be loved by no man. Not a father, husband, or son. For almost the first full year of his life, I used to pray to God every month to not take my son away from me. I didn’t want the universe playing some sick joke on me because I knew that it would be a “joke” that I would have no ability to recover from.

 My son was also born with a form of anemia that was due to him having smaller than normal red blood cells and that they were also irregularly shaped. This causes his blood to transport less than effective oxygen to parts of his body. This was a type of anemia that iron supplements could not fix. The iron was not the issue. The blood was. There are actually four types of this anemia. The first type is asymptomatic. The second is anemic symptoms that have the possibility to progress to sickle cell anemia. The third one is the type of anemia that would require blood transfusions frequently throughout his entire life. The second type can turn into the third type as well. It is not common but it is possible. The fourth kind results in death. My son was born with the second type. Although I was so thankful that he did not have the third or fourth type, I was still very nervous. When we first got the pre screening blood work done we it just said “alpha thalassemia” but it didn’t say what kind. So when I googled it, of course all that popped up was the emphasis on the third and fourth type. My heart was in a panic for a long time.

And of course, as a first time mom, you’re always scared of SIDS and the possibility of sudden and unexpected death. 

So these worries and the paranoia from my insecurity of love created a thunderstorm in my head that I could never get away from. Especially at night. My ex never really understood why I was so anxious about my son, and I honestly could never fully explain it to him at that time, especially when it came to my doubts about males being in my life. 

After he turned 1, my worries and doubts started to phase away significantly. For one, he was older and I was completely comfortable with him sleeping in his crib through the night successfully (and mind you, my son had been sleeping in his crib since he was eight weeks old. Can you imagine the amount of stress I put myself through every damn night from at 8 weeks up to when he was a year old? OMG). 

The second reason was an important one. 

My second realization was that this was also the time that I had begun to accept and embrace the fact that God was not playing some cruel joke on me (Upon reflection now, I don’t know why I battled so much when it comes to doubting God’s love for me. For some reason, I felt like I was undeserving of it). I realized that God was actually giving me the best gift that I could ask for. The ultimate gift from God that I had been searching for all my life. 

God has given me the gift of unconditional love. I love my son so much. I thank God everyday that I was given my son. He deserves so much more of me and of this world. And I am going to work hard everyday to make sure that I give him a world that he truly deserves. 

I love you Buddha. 

-Mommy